Father's Day and other things

Or other things and father's day.

First, I want to say that I appreciate everyones' comments on my previous post. I know that it was a decision I needed to make on my own, and the general consensus just confirmed that I need to trust my instincts. I am ok with not speaking with her, I am sad that anyone would have to experience cancer, but I don't contact everyone who does. For her childrens' sake, I hope all goes well for her.

My sister-in-law has a baby on the 14th. I know have a niece named Heather. I haven't seen a picture yet, but i am sure she's a cutie. Pretty soon, she and her husband will be moving to North Carolina for work so I may make it to the east coast finally. i have a feeling Jen will come here as soon as possible, she loves the zoo.

So Father's Day. Always a sore subject with me, well until this year it has been a very sore subject. For those who have read my blog for a long period of time will know that I have issues with my father and have had a hard time dealing with not having answers. In the last few months, I have come to the realization that there is no point to beating myself up over things i can't change.

There are people in my life who have give me things that I could and never receive from my father. They have shown me patience, love, acceptance, and respect. So instead of being depressed that my biological father isn't in my life, I am going to be thankful that I have more than most people have.

Of course I am not a robot and I will always have a soft spot around this time of year, but the time i spend crying over it will be less and less.

No Title

First, I apologize for how disorganized this post might end up, I am in a weird place right now.

I found out that one of my friends from high school has breast cancer. I am in shock. Up until now, I hadn't known anyone who had breast cancer. This friend from high school and I haven't talked in six years and our friendship really just fizzled out and then ended when she stole my rent money. If she were to walk down the street, I wouldn't give her a second glance. And after our friendship ended, I found out that she lied to me about a lot of things. It made me sad because I really felt like she was my best friend, I mean we lived together for years.

But now I have come to a point where I am not sure where to go. If she didn't have breast cancer, I would have no reason to talk to her. I don't hate her, I just have nothing to say to her and there is no potential for her and I to be friends again. Because she has cancer am I supposed to talk to her? I am genuinely sad for her and her children. Is it wrong that I don't feel the need to contact her? I care if she's alright, but I would have that hope for anyone.

I feel conflicted because I feel sad about what she is having to go through, but I don't feel bad about not wanting to call her. i feel bad because I don't feel bad if that makes sense. And in a selfish way, I am afraid this makes me a bad person. I don't expect people out there to give me the answer, I have to come up with that on my own. I guess I needed to get some things off my mind.

Sorry Ricky, Birthdays, and Viva Las Vegas!

Pictures a go-go! So it has been so busy, but so fabulous! I will start from the beginning and hopefully make it short and sweet.

So the the 21st, Brian, Frank, & Christian from the TWSS podcast, Ricky from Foul Monkeys, and Miss Wes from Live it up came to Case de Nessa & Derek for dinner and drinks. I think Ricky and I were the only ones who drank to the point of drunkenness, hence the picture of us above. We played rockband, watched TV, recorded a show, and hung out. Can I just say that I love those boys. All of them are as sweet as can be and I am so lucky to have met them all and maintained a friendship. It was probably the most fun I have had in forever. And as silly as it sounds, I miss them. Bwa bwa sorry ME!

Ok, Derek and I left for Vegas the following Tuesday and spent my birthday there. It also coincided with the in-laws being in Vegas. We stayed in the Venetian and OMG! it was gorgeous. I am lame and didn't take hardly any pictures, but my father in law did. When he sends me copies, I will put some up here. I had a great time! I didn't even gamble that much. There was so much to do otherwise. Derek's 2nd cousin Janice lives in Vegas and she and her husband Bob drove us through Red Rock Canyon and it was so pretty. Vegas gets 5 stars for sure. However, the next time I go, I am going during Fall or Winter. I hate the heat.

Also, Over on the facebook, I got so many happy birthday wishes. I felt loved, so thank you all who did that. :)

So, i hate to beg, but I want to make sure I help my friend Izola as much as I can. She is raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Her fundraising page is up and she is accepting donations. Her goal is $6,500 and she is 25% there! You can read all about what she is running for by clicking the picture below! THANK YOU!!

Fundraising Hurrah!

So in my last post, I talked about my pal Izola doing a marathon to raise money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Her fundraising page is up and she is already accepting donations. Her goal is $6,500. You can read all about what she is running for by clicking the picture!

And if you do decide to donate, thank you. This cause is near and dear to my heart, that's why I wanted to help her out.

I've been meaning to write...really

I meant to write when I put up the new blog background on May 1st, but something shiny grabbed my attention and I kinda forgot. So let me see here.

I have been to the eye doctor at least once a week for the last 5 weeks. I had swollen corneas and it went away. Came back. Changed lenses, cleaner, lenses again. Swelling came back. Steroids again, eyes pretty much back to normal. Changed lenses again and have final (fingers crossed) appointment on Saturday! I have never had a problem with my eyes except for pink eye in my youth. This is frustrating as hell!

I am bored at work. I feel bad because I am. With everyone losing their jobs, I should be chomping at the bit to get to work. Am I selfish because I'm not? I guess if I had to ask I am. meh.

Ricky and Christian will be here soon! A little more than a week! I think the boys want to go to bars. I told Ricky I didn't want to go and be a cock block. So we may just drink at my house, maybe record a show, something. I think that's a better idea since I am sure the TWSS boys will be taking him to bars like whoa. and there wont be a lame straight girl there to prohibit them getting bootie. Can I just say i love those boys. I know I love everyone, but I have a genuine affection for them, wished we all lived closer together. Move to California RICKY!

After the boys leave, I get to go to Las Vegas!!! I get to see mum and dad Johnston and gamble! I love Casinos! I have gone to Barona like four times since I last wrote. Loves it!

My pal Izola is going to run a marathon for leukemia/lymphoma in October in IRELAND! She wants to raise $6500 and I told her I would help out on the podcast since Robbie passed due to that. When I told her that, I had to kinda bite my lip so I wouldn't cry. I think it will be a good charity to promote since the money won't go into my or Izola's hands, it will go directly to the charity. When I know more, I will post something here. I am hoping that Derek and I can raise $1,000 for her. I know it's a lot, but if I get 200 people to donate $5, there you go.

I think that is all for right now. I will try...really hard to be a little more regular writing. And let me know if you have any ideas for raising money for Izola's marathon!

Photographs

So i was browsing the internet, as you do, and came across Erwin Olaf's photography. So I followed some links to get to his web site and WOW! Some of his work is so stunning, not all of it safe for work or little ones. But what caught me was his gallery of Royal Blood. This is my favorite picture of that collection:



He has quite a few galleries, I enjoyed looking at the majority of them.

15 Years

"Punk is musical freedom. It's saying, doing and playing what you want. In Webster's terms, 'nirvana' means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that's pretty close to my definition of Punk Rock."
Kurt Cobain

This week brings us to the 15th anniversary of one of the events that changed my life. Music has always been very personal to me. But music didn't effect me as strongly as it did when I watched the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on MTV for the first time.

In 1992, I was 13 and finally breaking free of my NKOTB obsession. I had become bored of the pop music being jammed down my throat and my mother was on this country kick that I did not dig. So I am watching MTV and I heard the opening of SMTS and I was mesmerized. As cliche as it sounds, the song made sense to me. This was how I was feeling. And it was very raw.

Being the days before CDs were cheap and buying ca-singles was still very common, I took my $1.99 and purchased my Smells Like Teen Spirit/Been a Son cassette tape. I still have it. All my friend were moving into the rap genre of music and I stood my ground singing the praises of Kurt Cobain and preaching how his music has saved me from going crazy. Trying to get my friends to listen to Nirvana, Sound Garden, Pearl Jam. Seattle Grunge made me feel at home. Listening to Nirvana now still makes me feel at home.

Then it happened. I was 15, I came home, turned on the television and hear Kurt Loder say that Kurt was gone. This was more than my mind could comprehend. I have never lost anyone in my family, so dealing with death of someone I, in my heart and soul, felt changed my life was devastating. I didn't understand and became almost obsessed with suicide. Not committing it, but why others did. I checked books out from the library and read and read. I was sad that Kurt was in that much pain and cringed when I heard on the news that someone followed in his footsteps.

Five Years ago, there was still a lot of conspiracies going around regarding Kurt's death. Mainly that Courtney had something to do with it. It made me angry. I found the journal entry I wrote in 2004 at the 10 year mark.

So coming upon the 10 year anniversary of his death....It is plastered everywhere.
Local radio stations doing all day vigils *with no commercial interruption*
Dateline making a huge marketing deal out of it, just to go over the same crap everyone else has in years past.
Watching some balding man with a cheesy radio voice ask some nobody who wrote a book questions about how someone died...It's so old and boring. wasn't interesting. highly irritating.
It would have be cool to have him around, cool to see what kind of music came around . (if any at all)

It's easier for most to leave it at a suicide, and who knows, maybe she did fucking do it.

Why put ourselves through heartache and wonder. Just remember what we have now and who gave it to us. It is probably best that way.

I, being older then most of the people who claim to be fans, was 15 when it occurred. Old enough to comprehend the impact, old enough to understand the loss. These kids who were 3 or 4, thought they can claim to be fans, they will never appreciate the true impact of the music and the man. And as cheesy as it may come across, I still feel a pain, I still listen to the music, I still appreciate what it did in my life and the society around me. Ten years is a long time. Maybe he would have influenced the music in a different way, maybe retirement was the road ahead. Would we have given a shit if he were still alive? Or was it the death that made the appeal? The point I guess of my little rant here is we will never know for sure what might have been, but why continue in conspiracy theories and bullshit. It was about the music and nothing else. And I, with some of the other people who might read this, can appreciate what we have.

KDC
67-94

I still get a pain when I see a 12 year old running around in what may have been their parent's T-shirt. Those of us old enough to know and remember are really lucky. It was always about the music for me, it still is. So this week, I will remember that time with a little less anger I had five years ago, be thankful I was a part of it in my own little way, and continue to listen. As years have gone on, songs have changed meanings, some stand out more than they used too. That to me is signs of genius. It doesn't stay the same, it grows with you.

"The duty of youth is to challenge corruption."
Kurt Cobain